THE ICE CREAM & THE GHOST PEPPERS.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO ICE CREAM YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE'S GHOST PEPPERS.

HELLO HELLO!

IT HAS REALLY BEEN A LONG TIME HASN’T IT? WELL SOMEONE RECENTLY FOUND THIS BLOG AND SUBSCRIBED TO IT  AND IT KIND OF REMINDED ME THAT THIS WAS SOMETHING I ONCE DID, AND MAYBE SHOULD TRY AGAIN? IN ALL HONESTY, I WAS STILL WRITING SOMEWHAT INFREQUENTLY AND HOPING TO COMPILE ALL OF THE WRITING INTO A BOOK OR SOMETHING. HOWEVER THAT MIGHT BE TOO LOFTY A GOAL AND I KIND OF MISS WRITING. SO HERE WE ARE, BACK TO THIS SUBSTACK. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY MIDNIGHT MUSINGS.

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY IT IS SO EASY TO FALL  INTO A CONVERSATION BASHING SOMETHING? IF TWO PEOPLE FIND A COMMON THING THEY DISLIKE, THEY CAN USUALLY GO FOR DAYS TALKING ABOUT IT. TAKE IT A STEP FURTHER, IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO SOMEONE, SAY YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHOSE PARENT DIES. EVERYONE FLOCKS TO GIVE THEM THEIR CONDOLENCES. YOU MIGHT HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO THIS PERSON IN YEARS, BUT YOU STILL THINK IT IS A KIND GESTURE TO SEND THEM A MESSAGE WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS. HOWEVER IF SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS TO SOMEONE YOU HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO IN A WHILE, NOT MANY PEOPLE REALLY CARE ABOUT REACHING OUT TO THEM. HECK, SOMETIMES I EVEN FEEL JEALOUS. WHY ISN’T THIS GOOD THING HAPPENING TO ME? DON

T I DESERVE ALL THE AMAZING THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING TO OTHER PEOPLE?  IT’S JUST EASY TO BASH ON THINGS. IF YOU ASKED THE DALAI LAMA, HE SAYS   THE NATURAL STATE HUMAN EMOTION IS MEANT TO BE AT IS JOYFUL, SO WHEN SOMEONE IS BEING SUPER HAPPY WE DON’T REALLY CARE. IT IS JUST NATURAL. THAT IS HOW HUMANS WERE MEANT TO BE, AS SIMPLE AS THAT. BUT ONE I COULDN’T AGREE LESS AND TWO EVERY EMOTION HAS IT’S TIME AND PLACE. MAYBE BEING HAPPY IS JUST  A BACKGROUND.

SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPEN AND YOU NEED TO FEEL EVERY EMOTION TO ITS FULLEST EXTENT TO PROCESS IT IN A HEALTHY WAY AND MOVE ON. SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO LET YOURSELF CRY THAT THE PERSON WHO YOU THOUGHT WAS YOUR FRIEND JUST TURNED OUT TO BE A SHITTY PERSON. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF ITS THEIR FAULT YOU AREN’T FRIENDS ANYMORE, YOU’RE STILL GOING TO MISS THEM. SOMETIMES IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT I CANNOT GO OUT FOR A WALK WHEN THE SUN SHINES ON A RARE FEBRUARY DAY IN ROCHESTER. IT’S OK TO FEEL SHITTY ABOUT IT BUT THEN WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT? DO YOU GO AND MOPE OR DO YOU ENJOY THE WALK ON THE ONE BLOCK YOU REALLY KNOW WELL? IF YOU’RE WONDERING WHY I CAN’T GO FOR A WALK, IT IS BECAUSE I AM ABSOLUTELY BLIND AS HELL. SO I HAVE TO WALK PATHS I KNOW OR I MIGHT GET LOST. BUT NAH, I’LL JUST WALK THE BLOCK I KNOW, IT’S ALL THE SAME REALLY I CAN IMAGINE AS IF I WAS WALKING INTO A DIFFERENT NEIGHBOURHOOD.

LAST YEAR, I USED TO GO TO THESE SUPER CROWDED HOUSE PARTIES. YOU KNOW, THINGS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO IN COLLEGE. THING I USED TO DO IN ART SCHOOL ALL THE TIME ACTUALLY, BUT FOR SOME REASON I COULDN’T HAVE FUN AT THESE PARTIES ANYMORE. SOMETIMES WE FEEL BAD ABOUT THINGS WE DON’T EVEN REALLY NEED TO FEEL BAD ABOUT. I FELT HORRIBLE FOR NOT ENJOYING THESE PARTIES. I FELT LIKE I DIDN’T FIT IN WITH THESE PEOPLE WHO WERE BASICALLY DOING WAHT I DID 7 YEARS AGO. ALL SORTS OF CRAZY THINGS CROSSED MY MIND. I AM NOT GOING TO FIT IN BECAUSE I AM TOO OLD. I ACTUALLY DON’T HAVE FUN AT THESE PARTIES BECAUSE I AM BLIND. THESE PARTIES ARE NOT FUN BECAUSE I GET TOO DRUNK AND OUT OF CONTROL. NONE OF THESE THINGS WERE TRUE OF COURSE. I WAS TOO OLD, BUT THAT WAS A GOOD THING. II WAS BLIND AND THANK GOD I WAS BECAUSE I DON’T THINK I COULD HAVE UNSEEN SOME OF THOSE THINGS THAT HAPPENED AT THOSE PARTIES. AND I THINK I CAN HOLD MY LIQUOR PRETTY WELL, THANK YOU. THE POWER OF HEALTHY PROCESSING FROM A BACKDROP OF BEING HAPPY? MAYBE.

BUT LATELY THERE IS THIS OTHER KIND OF SADNESS/ANGER/ANXIETY/______(INSERT ILL FEELING OF CHOICE.) IN ALL THE  PREVIOUS INSTANCES, YOU PROCESS AND THEN YOU RETURN TO YOUR HAPPY STATE AND THAT HAPPY STATE HASN’T DIMINISHED. THINK OF THE HAPPY STATE AS A FULL TUB OF ICE CREAM, NO RELATION TO WHY I AM CURRENT;Y AWAKE. LET’S SAY THE SAD THING IS A BOWL OF CANNED BEANS YOU COOKED. YOU CAN PROCESS (EAT) THE CANED BEANS AND THE ICE CREAM STAYS PRETTY MUCH UNTOUCHED. BUT THIS NEW KIND OF ILL FEELING IS LIKE A GHOST PEPPER. WHEN YOU PROCESS IT YOU KIND OF HAVE TO EAT SOME OF THE ICE CREAM TO GET RID OF IT COMPLETELY. LEAVING YOU WITH LESSER HAPPINESS. I MIGHT HAVE TAKEN THAT ANALOGY TOO FAR. THIS KIND OF ILL FEELING I’M TALKING ABOUT IS ONE WHERE YOU END UP FEELING LIKE YOU’RE SITUATION IS NOT IN YOUR HANDS. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, AND NO ONE CAN REALLY HELP YOU OUT OF IT. FOR ME, LATELY, THIS FEELING HAS BEEN COMING FROM BEING IN MUSIC SVHOOL. I REALLY LOVE MUSIC. HOWEVER, GOING TO SCHOOL FOR IT SOMETIMES REALLY SUCKS THE JOY OUT OF IT. BUYING INTO A CURRICULUM THAT YOU DON’T REALLY BELIEVE IN AND THEN DOING A BUNCH OF ACADEMIC BULLSHIT ON THE SIDE CAN HAVE THAT EFFECT. LATELY, IT MAKES ME BASICALLY NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING RELATED TO THE SCHOOL. SO WHAT HAPPENS? I FIND SOMEONE, A FELLOW STUDENT WHO HATES THE SCHOOL  OR SOME PART OF IT, HONESTLY NOT HARD TO FIND. THEN WE SIT THERE, AND COMPLETELY BASH SCHOOL, BECAUSE LIKE I SAID, IT IS REALLY EASY TO COME TOGETHER OVER THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE. WE SIT AND TALK ABOUT HOW WE FEEL WE AREN’T GETTING ANY BETTER. WE SIT AND PROCESS ALL OF THIS ANGER/DISAPPOINTMENT AND TRY TO TELL OURSELVES WE WILL DO BETTER. WE TAKE THE BURN OF THE GHOST PEPPER AND TRY TO EAT SOME ICE CREAM OVER IT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TODAY? I RAN OUT OF HAPPINESS TO PAY FOR THIS BULLSHIT. DON’T GET ME WRONG, I STILL HAVE A LOT OF ICE CREAM IN MY FREEZER. BUT THE CURRENT TUB OF HAPPINESS RAN OUT AND I REFUSED TO PAY FOR THIS ANYMORE. IT’S A VICIOUS CYCLE.

THE REASON I AM WRITING THIS WHOLE POST IN THE FIRST PLACE IS BECAUSE THIS WAS SUCH AN AHA MOMENT.  WHEN I WAS IN THERAPY LAST YEAR, I LEARNED THIS REALLY POWERFUL STORY EDITING TOOL. IT IS WHERE YOU EDIT THE STORY YOU TELL YOURSELF. TO CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTION IN YOUR OWN MIND. I WAS TELLING MYSELF I WAS IN A PLACE WHERE I HAVE NO VENUES OUTSIDE SCHOOL TO PLAY AT, I HAVE A BUNCH OF CLASSES I DO NOT LEARN MUCH FROM, AND MOST OF ALL MY PRACTICE TIME AND SCHEDULE GETS COMPLETELY THWARTED BY ASSIGNMENTS. THESE ARE ALL THINGS THAT TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ILL FEELING  AND HANDS IT TO  THE SITUATION I HAVE WILLINGLY SIGNED UP TO BE IN AND WILLINGLY STAY CONTINUE TO BE IN. I COULD HAVE LEFT SCHOOL A YEAR AGO, I DIDN’T. I COULD HAVE LEFT ROCHESTER A YEAR AGO AND GONE TO A DIFFERENT SCHOOL, I DIDN’T. SO TODAY I SAT AND EDITED MY STORY A LITTLE. I GET TO REGULARLY PLAY MY OWN MUSIC AT THE 1 VENUE THER IS  OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL. I AM NOT LEARNING ANYTHING IN MY CLASSES BECAUSE I DON’T EXPECT TO LEARN ANYTHING IN THEM. A YEAR FROM NOW, WHEN SCHOOL IS OUT, GETTING A BAD GRADE ON AN ASSIGNMENT MIGHT BE THE LEAST OF THE TROUBLES THAT INTERFERE WITH MY PRACTICE ROUTINE.  IN ALL OF THESE STORIES I AM NOW THE ONE AT FAULT. NOW YOU MIGHT GO, BUT THE  SITUATION IS BAD WHY SHOULD YOU TAKE THE FALL FOR IT? WELL BECAUSE NOT TAKING THE FALL FOR IT IS MAKING ALL THE ICE CREAM GET OVER. IT IS LITERALLY SAPPING MY HAPPINESS TO BE HELPLESS. IF I AM AT FAULT I CAN AT LEAST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE SITUATION. WHILE I HAVE MORE OF THE BLAME, I GOT BACK MORE OF THE CONTROL TOO.

SO WE’LL SEE IF THE VICIOUS  CYCLE GETS BROKEN AS I PRACTICE THESE NEW STORY EDITS. BUT TRUST ME THESE ARE NOT SELF DEPRECATING OR SELF SABOTAGING IN ANY WAY. ONCE ENOUGH SHITTY THINGS HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFE THAT ARE OUT OF YOUR CONTROL, YOU REALLY QUICKLY REALISE THE ONLY THING YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOURSELF. YOU ONLY REALLY CONTROL YOURSELF. OR AT LEAST I DO MAYBE YOU HAVE SOME CRAZY REMOTE CONTROL.

SO WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS REALLY LONG WINDED POST? WELL NOTHING REALLY,  JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER POST. JUST ME SHARING MY ADVENTURES WITH ICE CREAM. AND TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS BACKGROUND OF HAPPINESS THING THAT HAS BEEN WORKING PRETTY WELL ACTUALLY. I FEEL LIKE I’VE MANAGED TO BUILD THIS BACKGROUND THROUGH PROCESSING THINGS AND BEING HAPPY FOR WHERE I AM AND GRATITUDE AND ALL THAT YADA YADA STUFF. IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER HOW I GOT MINE. THE POINT IS YOU SHOULD TRY TO FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE AND LIVE THERE FOREVER. EVEN WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN, PROCESS THEM FROM YOUR HAPPY PLACE. WHEN YOU’RE DONE PROCESSING AND GET OUT YOU’LL STILL BE IN YOUR HAPPY PLACE WITH A FREEZER FULL OF ICE CREAM. HOPEFULLY ONE OF THE PINTS WILL BE MINT CHIP.

THIS WAS A VERY RANDOM, VERY LONG POST. IF YOU STUCK AROUND TILL HERE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING. I WOULD ABSOLUTELY  LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. I WOULD LOVE TO TALK MORE AND SEE IF ANY OF THIS HITS HOME FOR YOU ATLL. YOU AND I AREN’T VERY DIFFERENT. WE;RE JUST TWO PEOPLE TRYING TO FIGURE OUR SHIT OUT AND PEOPLE SHOULD HELP PEOPLE.

UNTIL NEXT TIME,

ESHAAN.